How to Handle Difficult People
There’s a single, powerful and highly effective tool for managing difficult clients (or employees, colleagues and bosses for that matter). For managing difficult people of all ilks, actually.
It’s a deceptively simple tool at first blush, perhaps so simple that you may be tempted to scoff at it. Dismiss it, even. It’s harder to use than it looks, because it takes commitment to master. Once mastered, though, it will be freely at your disposal and you’ll find that it can unlock even the most challenging conversations with difficult people at work. It’s a tool skilled mediators use because we know its power.
Here’s what it takes to master it. Are you up to the challenge?
1. Adoption of a new belief. You won’t believe the tool at first, but if you’re skeptical, your doubt will shine through and leave you less able to use the tool with any real effectiveness.
2. The ability to stop yourself when you find your hot buttons getting pressed by a difficult person. With the ability to stop yourself for a moment, you create space to remind yourself of your new belief, which will help you make different choices in your conflict conversation.
3. Willingness to keep trying to use the tool until you master it. If you’re someone who tries a tool once, then grows frustrated when you can’t use it perfectly right away, then this tool probably isn’t for you. As with any major change in how you do something, you need a bit of commitment and the spine to pull it off.
That’s it. If you can do those three things, then this tool is one you may want to get right away. And you don’t even need to buy it. You don’t need to go anywhere to get it. All you need to have this tool at your disposal is to think a new thought.
The new thought is this: There are no difficult people.
If you’ve already started to scoff and dismiss, I challenge you to stop yourself. What if it really is true? How would it change how you act toward people you find difficult?
When you say, “He is a difficult person,” you have made “being difficult” part of the fabric of his being, part of who he is as a human. Then you act accordingly and are somehow surprised that he gets more difficult in the short or long run.
It’s entirely different to say, “I find him difficult,” or “He is acting very difficult right now” or “He has some difficult behaviors much of the time.” When you make those types of observations, then you set yourself up for the kind of question a masterful mediator knows to ask next: “What is it in the environment (or in my supervision, or my interactions with, or about his job duties) that’s contributing to such difficult behaviors?” Or, “How is our dynamic together making this more difficult?”
Psychologist Jeffrey Kottler, in his terrific book Beyond Blame:
Say it out loud, see how it tastes on your tongue: There are no difficult people.
Then try this, also out loud: There are people who act in difficult ways or people I particularly find difficult. I, then, hold the key to unlocking those difficult conversations, at least as much as they do.
There's a single, powerful and highly effective tool for managing difficult clients (or employees, colleagues and bosses for that matter). For managing difficult people of all ilks, actually. It's a deceptively simple tool at first blush, perhaps so simple that you may be tempted to scoff at it. Dismiss it, even. It's harder to use than it looks, because it takes commitment to master. Once mastered, though, it will be freely at your disposal and you'll find that it can unlock even the most challenging conversations with difficult people at work.
5 ANSWER TO WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST WEEKNESS
Everything is going well. You arrived on time, you're making excellent eye contactand you're acing every question that's being thrown at you. You've got this job in the bag, until you hear the interviewer utter, “What’s your biggest weakness?” You know you shouldn't answer too quickly, so you take your time and then suddenly realize you're not sure how to answer. You may be tempted to blurt out, “I have no weaknesses,” and hope to illustrate your confidence in your abilities, but we all know (and your soon-to-be boss will too) that's a lie. Since you can't opt for a pass as you would in a game show, here are five strong techniques to answer the popular interview question, "What's your biggest weakness?"
"I tend to talk too much."
Certainly, this answer is not to give the impression that you prefer to spend half of your day in idle chitchat with your coworkers. Illustrate how, in a world of e-mailing, being able to effectively communicate in person is a huge plus. Additionally, this can flow over into being able to get on the phone and talk with prospective partners or clients -- a skill that employees lack more and more in business today. In group activities, note how your verbal communication skills allow you to quickly convey the message and encourage discussion. In some cases, you may be classified as being too talkative and state that you are aware of that, but this approach gives you confidence that the message is being delivered appropriately. Of course, use this answer in the correct setting. For example, it likely applies more to a communications or sales position than to a number-crunching job.
"I project self-expectations."
This response should communicate that you expect high levels of performance from yourself and those around you. Certainly, you need to communicate that you recognize that each person is different with different skills and levels of ability and that you are not here to make clones of yourself. Specifically, note that you aim to bring the best out of everyone and expect each person on the team to contribute per their responsibilities to make for a successful business effort.
"I get attached to projects."
Typically, being too attached to a project can drive your coworkers crazy and it's never fun to have to be the one to point out the seemingly microscopic details. Certainly the attention to detail might detract more from volume of projects, but sometimes it's getting the last 5% of the job done that makes chances for success skyrocket. When using this response, focus more on how you take a vested interest in having the task done right, rather than just going through the motions. If you are simply a perfectionist, that can have some problems on its own, so be clear that this weakness might actually help you fit in nicely in a fast-paced environment where an extra set of eyeballs is absolutely needed. After all, the best results are usually in the details and every employer can appreciate delivering a project that is free of mistake.
Don't let the "what's your biggest weakness?" question stump you .
"I assume the leader role when it's not designated to me."
Leadership is most frequently referenced as a good quality, but in the workplace it can often drive your coworkers crazy. We all remember team projects in college; there was always that one person (maybe it was you) running the show, organizing the troops and moving things forward. This same scenario is often replicated in the workplace. Use this answer to communicate your interest in taking on responsibility within the company and illustrating your desire to get the job done. You should also comment that, despite your energetic attitude to push the ball over the goal line, you are sensitive to your coworkers and never intend to come off as a tyrant.
"I'm a workaholic."
When using this answer, be careful not to put too high expectations on yourself. You don't want to give the impression that all you do is put in a bunch of time at the office. Note that your workaholic nature is more akin to always thinking in terms of the business and to keeping your mind open to related business issues, even on the weekend. For example, rather than saying you come in every Saturday and Sunday, allude to how you may take note of an idea during a leisurely web-surfing session on a weekend morning. The purpose of this answer is not to show you are a one-dimensional office dweller, but that you take your job seriously and recognize that it takes more than just putting in your nine-to-five time to drive success and results.
THE RIGHT QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
The "What is your biggest weakness?" question is a stock question in the interview processes. Generally speaking, when noting a weakness it should be a small, nominal item and relevant to the workplace. Certainly, be honest, as it could come back to you later in your career. For example, if you note being too talkative as your weakness, but hardly say a word once you have landed the job or during the interview, it could impact your credibility. Most importantly, when you're provided the opportunity to answer this question, be confident and try to make a professional, memorable impression to set yourself apart from the other candidates, because that's really what it's all about.
FIVE PRINCIPLES TO IMPROVE YOUR LEADERSHIP SKILLS
Overview: Every organization, circumstance, and leader calls for different courses of action. What is to be considered as "Good" leadership depends on various factors. These five principles self-esteem, planning, motivation, delegation, and empowerment are all important in improving your leadership skills. But these are not enough. The success of your leadership will ultimately depend on the way you recognize your organizations needs and how you can adapt your leadership style to those needs. In the same way that you would evaluate your members performance, also evaluate and reflect on yours. Only you can tell what "Good" leadership is for your organization. Likewise, it's only you who can determine how you can become a "Good" leader.
This may seem like a great spoiler; but certainly, there is no such thing as a hard and fast rule when it comes to leadership. Every organization, circumstance, and leader calls for different courses of action. What is to be considered as "good" leadership depends on various factors such that what could be "good" leadership in one instance could be "bad" leadership in another.
Nevertheless, you need not fret if you are seeking ways to improve your leadership. There are generally accepted principles that when studied and applied, are believed to be helpful in improving ones leadership skills. These are given below and it's all up to you to decide on whether these tips could be appropriately applied to your particular situation whether you're running a business, organizing a school play, or governing a country.
Self-Esteem. People become more willing to work if they feel important. Effective leaders help their organizations members develop their self-esteem. You can do this by paying more attention to them and expressing your genuine interest in their opinions every time you converse. When it is well deserved, give your member a tap on the shoulder to show that his efforts are well appreciated. The key here is in being sincere and in expressing your appreciation through the littlest gestures.
Planning. Members of an organization are more able to adapt to changes if there is a specific plan of action laid out. Planning is crucial in effective leadership because it provides the organization with a concrete direction and identifiable means to achieve its goals. As a leader, you should initiate planning and exert effort in communicating those plans as clearly as possible to your members. This will strengthen your members decision-making skills and would allow for effective delegation.
Motivation. A highly motivating work environment is undoubtedly a productive one. The organization benefits the most when its members are continuously motivated to work for and with it. There are many ways by which you, as a leader, can motivate your members. You can provide deserving members with public recognition even through a simple mention of their names and accomplishments. Offering challenges that allows your members to grow, and in a way show-off, is a brilliant to motivate them to be more competitive. You can hand out incentives such as bonuses, free stuff, or promotions to high-performing members so that your members will have something to look forward to in exchange for a job well done. One of the most important ways to motivate, however, is through leading by example. How you work, lead, and carry yourself hugely affects how much people would want to work with you.
Delegation. You can't do everything by yourself. The best leaders can effectively delegate tasks, giving them more time to plan and supervise. Usually, leaders fail to delegate effectively because they fear their subordinates would do badly at a job that they could have done much better. Do not succumb to that pitfall. Your members will definitely make mistakes, but so will you. The thing to remember here is that you should always make sure that you communicate the things that you want done clearly and that you allow your subordinates to be accountable for the consequences of their action.
Empowerment. This actually relates to delegation. Making your members accountable and responsible for their actions empowers them. It makes them feel greater self-respect; and in the long-run, it would allow them, working with accountability, to develop creativity and become better workers.
These five principles self-esteem, planning, motivation, delegation, and empowerment are all important in improving your leadership skills. But these are not enough. The success of your leadership will ultimately depend on the way you recognize your organizations needs and how you can adapt your leadership style to those needs. In the same way that you would evaluate your members performance, also evaluate and reflect on yours. Only you can tell what "good" leadership is for your organization. Likewise, it's only you who can determine how you can become a "good" leader.
10 LEADER SHIP STYLES
Overview: The Situational Leadership model uses a 4 box grid based on the amount of direction and support an employee needs. Directing Leaders define the roles and tasks of the 'Follower', and supervise them closely. Decisions are made by the leader and announced, so communication is largely one-way. Coaching Leaders still define roles and tasks, but seeks ideas and suggestions from the follower. Decisions remain the leader's prerogative, but communication is much more two-way. Supporting Leaders pass day-to-day decisions, such as task allocation and processes, to the follower. The leader facilitates and takes part in decisions, but control is with the follower. Delegating Leaders are still involved in decisions and problem-solving, but control is with the follower.
Do you always lead with a style that’s most comfortable for you, or can you adapt your natural style to meet the need of a given situation?
Here are two ways to classify leadership styles, and 10 different styles:
The Situational Leadership model uses a 4 box grid based on the amount of direction and support an employee needs. The four styles are:
Directing Leaders define the roles and tasks of the ‘follower’, and supervise them closely. Decisions are made by the leader and announced, so communication is largely one-way.
Coaching Leaders still define roles and tasks, but seeks ideas and suggestions from the follower. Decisions remain the leader’s prerogative, but communication is much more two-way.
Supporting Leaders pass day-to-day decisions, such as task allocation and processes, to the follower. The leader facilitates and takes part in decisions, but control is with the follower.
Delegating Leaders are still involved in decisions and problem-solving, but control is with the follower. The follower decides when and how the leader will be involved.
Another approach categorizes styles according to emotional intelligence competencies, some of which work better than others in specific situations. These styles are:
Coercive: This “Do what I say” style demands immediate compliance. It is especially useful in turnaround situations, in a crisis, and with problem employees. However, using this style inhibits your organization’s flexibility and can dampen employee motivation.
Authoritative: This style mobilizes people toward a vision. Specifically, it provides an overarching goal, but gives others the freedom to choose their own way of reaching it. This approach is most effective when a business is at sea and needs direction, or during an economic or business downturn. This style is less successful when the leader is working with a team of experts who may have more experience—and may disagree with his approach.
Affiliative: This “people-first” style engenders the creation of emotional bonds and team harmony. It is best used when team coherence is important or in times of low employee morale. But this approach’s focus on praise may permit poor performance among employees to continue unchecked, and employees may lack a sense of overall direction. The downside of this style, however, is that it may result in indecision, and some people may be left feeling confused and leaderless.
Democratic: This style builds consensus through participation. It is most appropriate when organizational flexibility and a sense of individual responsibility is needed. The downside of this style, however, is that it may result in indecision, and some people may be left feeling confused and leaderless.
Pacesetting: This style expects excellence and self-direction. It works best for highly skilled and motivated people who work well on their own. Other people, however, may feel overwhelmed by a pacesetting leader’s demands for excellence. Their self-esteem, trust, and, ultimately, their morale may drop under the regime of this type of leader.
Coaching: This style focuses on personal development. Coaching leaders help people identify their strengths and weaknesses, and tie them to their career aspirations. While this style is highly successful with people who want to change or improve professionally, it is largely unsuccessful with those who are resistant to learning or changing their ways.
While some styles may be more comfortable for you to adopt than others, the more you stretch yourself to learn a range of styles, the more effective you will be as a leader.
Two Questions To Help You Change Your Leadership Style
Overview: A Leadership Manifesto will make it easier for you to change your leadership style. Drafting and actually discussing a one-page leadership manifesto with your team is a great way of getting people moving anyway, and the idea of a manifesto helps people focus round what you're trying to achieve. Make sure that part of your Leadership Manifesto is about making it easy for others to make changes in their role. Give your team permission to change, too. That's part of your developmental role, which should also be in the Manifesto.
Do you want to change your leadership style? Perhaps you've discovered something in particular that you want to do, or do differently.
And this, of course, is the problem. You want to change something you do, but the folks in the office just aren't expecting you to change anything. They don't WANT you to change anything.
Also, some people around you may be suspicious or cynical. Not all of them, maybe, but enough to make it tricky to change.
So no matter how enthusiastic or motivated you might be to make a change, all of the 'noise' around you makes you reluctant, or resistant, to change. The pain of change seems worse than the gain of change.
So you stop even thinking about change. And soon you're as cynical and suspicious as all the rest. And nothing ever changes.
If this sluggish feeling is familiar to you, then what you're experiencing is the heavy inertia of 'the way things work round here'. It's the power of the status quo to weigh heavy on you and stop you from changing anything.
How can you start the change process? What you urgently need to do is find ways over or round the inertia. And the questions to ask are these:
1. When is it easier to change my leadership style?
2. What will help me to change my leadership style?
First, it's easier to change your leadership style when you take a new job or a new role in another department. In a new role, you can set out your plans for the new team and you can change the way you manage or lead the team. This is, of course, because no one knows you from your previous role. They don't know the old boss.
You can also change your leadership style at the start of every new project. Every beginning is an opportunity to restart or relaunch your leadership style.
Of course, you may still have tricky issues to deal with - people asking 'why the sudden change?' - so there is something else you need to do: create a Leadership Manifesto to overcome inertia
A Leadership Manifesto will make it easier for you to change your leadership style.
The Manifesto - like a manifesto for a political party - is an outline sketch of what you're trying to do. And, importantly, it's also a sketch of HOW you're planning to do it.
Drafting and actually discussing a one-page leadership manifesto with your team is a great way of getting people moving anyway, and the idea of a manifesto helps people focus round what you're trying to achieve.
Now your manifesto could address any of the issues you feel are important for the team to address. Here are just three suggestions:
1. Collaborative goal setting versus boss-centred goal setting. You may want to work with people to help them set goals or you may wish to give people targets based on your understanding of their skills and performance in the past.
2. Cross-business collaboration versus cross-business competition. You may want to explore why you believe you should be collaborating with other teams in the business or why you should be competing internally with them.
3. Day-to-day constructive feedback versus end-of-year appraisals. You may wish to create a more open atmosphere and attitude towards 'live' performance management. You might want to create an atmosphere where it is acceptable to give practical and constructive feedback. The alternative is waiting for the end-of-year appraisal which is way too late to be useful.
I find that the concept of a leadership
manifesto is very flexible and you can use it anyway that suits you. For example, you could with your team develop a change manifesto. Get the team to create their own manifesto for the way things work round here. Invite them to think about, if they were in charge, what would they change?
And finally, make sure that part of your Leadership Manifesto is about making it easy for others to make changes in their role. Give your team permission to change, too. That's part of your developmental role, which should also be in the Manifesto.
Having an open and understood Leadership Manifesto is all part of building your personal leadership brand. Your openness on what people can expect from you helps them to trust you more, so that when the going gets tough, they know they can rely on you to lead them well.
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